saturday night

I am totally alone tonite. The tv is playing in the other room and before I started this-I was just organizing my closet. This wouldn't be so out of the ordinary except that it's Saturday night. That might not be so out of the ordinary but this is also the fourth night in a row I've been home alone. I'm not used to this. I just moved out of a house where there was always something going on or someone to hang out with. If one friend wasn't available-another was. If mom was out of town it was out to dinner with dad. If dad was working late-it was a movie with mom. If they were both gone-hang with John time. You get my point. I'm not so used to being alone. Rewind a couple of years to the Dallas days-if i was home alone for the fourth night in a row-i would have been going completely INSANE. I would have surely escaped off to the mall or a movie. Something-anything to make me forget about the fact that I was alone in a city where none of my best friends or closest family was. But right here-right now-in this moment-I am content. Do I wish I had a friend here? Yes and no. I love my friends and the time we spend together laughing. But I love my alone time too. It's here when I analyze all my thoughts,lean on God, and make the big decisions. Most of the time when I tell people I am moving back to Texas they always ask the same thing. "What is going to make it different this time?" I never really knew what to tell them. I think this is a much cooler city-but that doesn't really make a difference. I'm going to be super busy with school-but at the end of the day-that isn't it either. The thing is-I am different. Not in ways that most people can see. I moved to Dallas at the wrong time for all the wrong reasons. I knew when I moved that it felt wrong. I couldn't describe it then either. Didn't want to describe or listen to my intuition telling me that something was not quite right. I wanted to do what I wanted to do. End of story. I was looking for a quick solution to a bigger problem. At that time -my circumstances decided my happiness and since I didn't have a lot of fun,family, or friends in the big D- i was miserable with a capital M. But all of that has changed. I can't tag this realization to a specific event but rather a series of events where I constantly saw people in bad situations be content. Maybe not necessarily happy-but making the best out of the situation. I couldn't understand how they were like they were. But now I understand. Or at least I'm starting to. If you can't find at least a little bit of good in every situation(whether good or bad) then you're in for a long miserable life. Nothing will ever quite make you happy and you'll always be looking for something more. You have to come to a place where your ok with being alone on a Saturday night. You have to come to a place where you say-"that didn't work out like I wanted, but at least I learned THAT from it." If you can't do that-life can get pretty miserable. YOu have to learn to trust that there is a plan that you fit into. As much as you try to orchestrate the way your life goes down-ultimately it will unfold according to the Plan. All these alone moments I've spent the last couple of days-well-I feel like I see the lesson in them. It's kind of like a story I read one time. A guy was driving his friends car across the country and wanted to listen to music. The radio was broken and his friend only had classical cds. This guy didn't like classical music. Only country. But he could only take no music for so long. So he put in one of the classical cds. At first he didn't care for them at all. But by the end of the trip-he had really grown to like the classical music. If he'd had the country music he wanted to listen to all along-he never would have realized that he actually liked classical. And that is the way I feel about this. God threw out my country music and gave me classical. Not exactly what I wanted-but what I needed. Him. As much as I wanted my friend to come visit this weekend-I believe it didn't work out because of this Plan. I needed this time to find out that I'm ok with "this time." I can handle the calm,the by myself,the quiet. I learn to put all my trust in something good and right. I have complete confidence that I am in good hands and in no time at all-I probably won't have this Saturday night alone time. That's not something you sit still enough to do when there is constantly something going on. And I love stuff going on. It's easy to be happy when someone is always there. But what I've realized is-you have to learn to be happy when there isn't someone always physically there. Otherwise-you'll always be wanting more. Don't get me wrong-I still LOVE visitors! And I want you all to come soon! But if you don't-I'll be okay. I have faith that this will work out. The same little intuition I had about Dallas-i've got it again this time. But this time-it's good. It feels like a fit. I am a different person than I was in Dallas. Looking back now-I wish I would have listened to my intuition more in life. It always turns out to be right. Whether I like it or not. But back to Austin-I feel like...this time I'll get it right.