under construction

In my 1st grade classroom last year I had many students on many,many different levels.
There were many times I was so excited to see when all my hard prep work payed off and a student really 'clicked' with what I was trying to teach. And then there was the frustration. The frustration of them not getting it. Or not even seeming to care. And when you are a teacher, you can't act frustrated. You have to be poker faced most of the time. You have to keep on smiling and keep right on working. I was talking with some teacher friends about this not too long ago and one of them was so very kind to point out a very obvious truth. Just because I don't see the benefit of after school tutoring right away-doesn't mean it isn't gonna help somewhere down the road. The strategies I was teaching that seemed to fall by the wayside-well they may just come back to these students in 2nd grade when a lightbulb flashes on. Or it may be 3rd. Or 9th. Or college. Point is, I just may not get to see the results immediately.

But, I want to see them right now. I want to know that I was the teacher who made the difference. I want to be the ONE!!! Wait Mary...be patient and be selfless. It doesn't always work that way. Blah to that! A lot of times it's many teachers investing lots of time to make students get to where they were going. But when I look at it like my friend was telling me to, well that makes me feel better. Maybe the reading strategy I taught will help out next year. Or the next. Or whenever. Maybe it won't-but I hope it will. I hope that I was a small piece of that puzzle.

And then there are students like my little D. Students that you get to see bloom. Now I don't know that I can take full responsibility. Actually I do know-and I know that I can't. I think part of it was about maturity and part of it was about a more stable family situation. But I also think part of it(maybe a small part of it) was about me. I took to him even though he was the hellion in class(of course I did :)). I gave him time, attention, and a lot of help. I found things he was interested in to read-which...GASP...made him WANT to read. I talked to him about his family, about his bike...about...whatever. I just showed interest. Which is something I don't think a lot of people had taken the time to do with him. And in a normal class, I wouldn't have been able to do that-but this year, in the class, with this situation, I think he's a big reason why I was there. he was my little success story. I saw him jump 22 reading levels in 12 weeks. Who knows where he'll go in the future( I pray,pray, pray for him frequently!) but I know that he was someone who I was lucky to know,lucky to teach, and it was a gift that I got to see his little transformation. But like I said earlier, there were 21 other kids in that class. I hope I made some kind of impression, even if it was tiny, on every one of them. But I might never know. I might never see it. All I know is that I can hope.

Hope is a good thing.

But why do I tell you all of this?

Well, because I was thinking about D today for one. And for 2, I think this same little lesson is so applicable to life.

So often in life I want to see things work out the way I want them to work out. RIGHT NOW. I want to be the one that helped someone become someone better. I want to be the one that someone is willing to change their whole lives for. I want to be the one. Or I want someone(specific someones) to be that for me. I want to see the future play out right NOW!! I want, I want, I want.

ugh. even reading 'I want' that many times makes me feel sick. truly it does.

But I do.

Can't help it.

But when I look at it from this perspective then I see it differently.

It's amazing what a change in perspective can do. :)

Just like so many people,so many experiences, so many minutes shape every little piece of who I am and what I like and what I don't like,what I want, and what I never want. And, I might be little pieces of someone elses 'shaping. I certainly hope I am. And I hope I'm shaping for the better.

Sure, I want to be the one where it all comes together, or I want someone to be my one where it all comes together. I want to see it happen now. in my time.

But that's just not the way this life works. And you certainly can't force it. You can just take what you have right now and make the very best of it. as the song says 'you take the little that you know and you do the best you can...and you leave the rest to the quiet faith of man"

patience is ever so difficult. not knowing is even more difficult. so some of the things I think i'm starting to learn are that it takes a lot of patience and a lot of faith. a lot of compromise and a lot of forgiveness to make every relationship work day to day. this is much easier to write than it is to live. but I will try.

i think i can. i think i can.

i think i can. i think i can.

every day.

So, I was reading a book yesterday that informed me that to have an interesting blog you need to post a little something everyday! what a challenge! What in my little life is so interesting that I need to post everyday?

Nothing. I can't possibly entertain you with my life everyday. So instead I'll have to leave you with photos,recipes, and ripped off tidbits. Sorry folks, that's just the way it's gonna have to be!

So that counts as enough of a post for today...right? I sure hope. Because I've really got nothing great to say! Keep coming back though. It can only go up from here!

experiencing contentment

experiencing contentment. this is never something I have EVER struggled with. I am a happy girl. and happy girls are content. and I am. most of the time. but lately,it's been very hard for me. lots of things going on or not going on have put me in a place where I find it harder and harder to experience contentment.

situations shouldn't affect contentment. i get that. I know that. now,someone tell it to me again. but they do. and lately all i've done is worry. worry about my family. about my friends. about a job. about my al gal! about what life is going to dole out to people I love at any given time. and when you start worrying about one thing it's so very easy to just start worrying about all things. and this is a hard boat to be in folks. it means worrying while I should be sleeping,while I should be working,while I should be walking, or while I should be present in any given situation in life. and naturally, since I'm not used to this kind of thing-I don't know what to do. should I go home? or should I put on my big girl panties and deal? I think there is a time for both.

going home is very easy. my parents love me,would do anything for me and remind me of this on a nearly daily basis. home is comfortable,pretty much predictable and my favorite place to be. even when things are hard, they are less hard at home. and so yes,going home seems a great option. but what about 10 years down the road, when I hit this rock again? running home when you're 27 is easy, but 36-not so much. and so I'm staying here and learning to live my life and love my life through this short funk. and it's good. it's good for me. it's great to be honest about the way I feel and figure out exactly who's around when the sun isn't so bright in my little life. and as I write that I realize it's not true. the sun is bright-i'm blocking my own view of it. but back to the who's around thing. i'm amazed. really. about the people that shine through when I don't feel the shine myself. and when I look at life this way, it looks good. it looks very good. people come out of the woodwork of my life and just are present. for whatever I need. and I've been mighty needy here lately. i spent so much of my life wondering where I would go in life, that it's easy to forget that I am where I was going. this is it. I have lots of friends. I have lots of good,good friends. not just to laugh with,eat with or cry with-but friends to just 'be' with. be whatever. and i've been all over the spectrum lately. I mean all over! I have a family life that,when I step back and look at it outside of my own lenses, is actually a dream. I love them more than anything in the world. anything. which is what is causing me all this worry-but they are beyond worth it. Yes,I've become someone who must talk to my mom everyday-one of those people I never thought I'd be-but what's so wrong with it. I'm not ashamed. my mom is the most amazing woman I have ever and probably will ever know. Why would I not soak up every opportunity to hear her wisdom or tell her exactly what's going on in my life. And my dad. My dad is the most amazing man I've ever and probably will ever know. Another friend was telling me the other day that his(my dads) love for me and my brothers seemed almost mythical-which I thought was strange at first, but the more I roll that around in my head-I get it. My dad is there always. Always offering up anything he can to make our lives better. That's not something you find frequently. And my brothers. How I love my brothers. I would say that I don't go more than 30 minutes without mentioning my brothers in any given day. So my life is dreamy. Really dreamy. And I think it takes times like these to realize it. To figure out that 'this too shall pass' but those people,those people are here for me before 'this' came,while 'this' is here and after 'this' passes. Which is what makes this 'this' seem okay. Seem bearable. I don't have to go home to know these people love me. I've known that for as long as I've known anything. I've got people right here that step right into family roles. I must admit though that these people can't fry bacon quite like my mom or cook a burger quite like my dad-but you get it. They are people Who take care of me in whatever way I need. Which is exactly what my mom and dad would do if I landed back on Dexter. So I felt like I needed to write this down so that I can read it as a reminder to myself. My life is good and so blessed. So the funk will go away. And someday it will come back. But life is good. very good. and it's short. too short to be worrying all the time. so I think I won't worry anymore. I mean,I know i'll worry-but I think I'll not let myself get so worked up in it that it begins to rule my life. Here's to trying...

here I go again...

okay people, I am making a comeback. I realize I've promised this before-but really. I promise now. Life is hectic and I make time for other things, so I'm vowing to make time for this. Can't promise entertainment ALL THE TIME...but I promise updates at least once a week! hold me to it! that being said, I'm going to sleep. While counting sheep, or trying to as John was sawing logs in the bed beside me on family vacay-I all of a sudden decided I want to do this again! So, i got up to tell you that I'm going to do it. please stay tuned. And thanks for coming back. Actually, thanks for coming at all!