Roman Holiday

A couple of weeks ago, I saw the movie Angels and Demons with a friend. I won’t really get into what I thought of the movie(a little gory if you must know my opinion-but good nonetheless)-but I will tell you about all the other dormant emotions that surfaced while watching it.

When the movie first showed Vatican City-I swear to you that my heart started to beat a little faster. Or skipped a few beats?. Either way I felt dizzy and different. Why? You ask. Well, let me tell you. Here is a story all about how my life got…haha…it did turn inside out. If only for a couple of months.

I studied abroad my junior year of college. I was still young and very stupid about most things. 21 is a great age. It really is. And that semester of college was everything it should have been. And more. Much,much more.

Where to begin?

Here’s where…

When in Rome…yes,I get that phrase. I really get it. The Italian(and European in general) way of life is oh so different from the one we live in here. No better,no worse-just different. So I felt that when in Rome,I should do exactly as Romans(or Italian tourists) do. This means that I ate EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN I wanted and I did it all day every day. I left Italy so much fuller than when I arrived. 32 pounds fuller if you must know the dirty details. Yes…my friends…32 pounds more gelato,pasta,pizza and Nutella existed on my body than did when I got off the plane in Rome on February 7th, 2004.


(I was happy!!)

In addition to eating whatever I wanted and whenever…I just soaked up LIFE. I mean I lived in pure pleasure. Every minute. I mean…if we wanted to hop a train to Paris…we did it. French Riviera…departs in 2 hours. Stay out dancing in Roman bars until literally 7 am…of course,sleep when we’re dead and all that. Oh,how I loooong for those days. Maybe.

Truth is though..the eating,the hopping trains,the dancing,the Eiffel tower and the David-that’s not what I long for. That life was perfect at the time. It fit where I was. I had absolutely NO COMMITMENTS. If I wanted to roam Rome on my own all day,that is what I did. If I wanted to eat gelato 4 times in one day,that is what I did(yes,sadly enough…true story). And here’s the other thing.

I never worried.

About anything.

About whether some diasaster was waiting around the corner.

About whether he’d call.

About whether my clothes were too tight(good enough thing since they ALL were)

About whether my brothers were safe.

About my parents health.

About that awkward thing I said.

NOTHING.

No worries.

I mean I’m sure I had some day to day worries-which probably included…waking up early,where the next meal would be,would we miss the train…but NOT the stuff I worry about these days. Not the kind of stuff that makes me feel a little sick sometimes and sometimes…only sometimes…keeps me up at night.


It was like being on a different continent made me ‘life proof’ or so I thought. Bad things just couldn’t happen in the wonderland of total and complete pleasure.

I lived a life of pure indifference. And I don’t mean that in a bad way. It was a kind of escape. Escape from real school work. Relationship problems. Escape from the everyday anxiety I get over all kinds of things. It all just faded away for those 4 months. And it was BLISSFUL. I was basically just hyper selfish. Not really thinking of anyone or anything but my own wants and needs. Very little responsibility, very little schedule and a lot of ’do whatever it is you want!’ I literally ate my way(weight) through Europe. I laughed with friends. I saw the ‘big things.’ I made new friends. I did all the things you should do when you have the opportunity of a lifetime like I did. And I do realize it was just that. The opportunity of a lifetime. Looking back sometimes-it seems surreal that I was able to live that life. Even if for four months. I mean it was puuuuure heaven on earth.

But it came to an end-like things tend to do. I came back to the real world. Back to worries. About family,friends, and the future. I remember laying in bed a couple of nights after I’d been home and feeling so guilty that I wanted to go back. I had been so happy to see my family-but coming back reminded me that life is real. My aunt was dying of cancer. My grandparents looked older. A good family friend had recently died. My 30 pound weight gain wasn’t as socially acceptable here as it was there. I had to ACTUALLY figure out what it was I wanted to do with my life. The list went on. LIFE IS REAL.

Oh no.

Then I just wanted to disconnect. From all the things in life that could make me sad or hurt my feelings. To do anything but that one thing that meant I might be a real girl. With real life. My time in Italy had really changed me into thinking that life was this constant happy place of wine,pizza,trains, and laughing until dawn. And it was great to do just that for four months. To live completely unaware of life outside of my self. To literally just soak up every minute without worrying about the next. One of my favorite quotes from Eat,Pray,Love is this…"But is it such a bad thing to live like this for just a little while? Just for a few months of one's life, is it so awful to...nap in a garden, in a patch of sunlight, in the middle of the day, right next to your favorite fountain? And then to do it again the next day?"
. .how true that is. But it can’t last forever. It shouldn’t last forever.

So anyway…back to where I was then-or better yet-why did I mention Angels and Demons.

I gradually grew out of this little funk. And when I say that-I’ll say that I grew out of it to a certain extent. I think I tried to re-invent it after college-thus was the ‘flight attendant debacle.’ But that is another story for another day. And one you will probably hear. Like it or not!

So when I was watching Angels and Demons and I saw Vatican City and I started thinking about that time in my life. 5 years ago. My,has it really been five years? It seemed so desirable at the moment. My first instinct was to move there. Which is odd-because I’ve recently had the chance and I turned it down-basically without even thinking about it. Without even telling anyone about it(well ALMOST anyone…

But seeing all those places in Rome struck a chord of memories for me so strong that I was really pining with desire to go back and do it all over again.

And this desire continued right on for a couple of days.

Then I started thinking about my life here.

Sure I worry about my mom and my dad. Everyday. I worry about my brothers. My friends. I stress about the future,about a job,about everything.

But also…I laugh. And I cry also. But I laugh more than I cry. I am very attached to people and with that comes the possibility that someday one of them might hurt me. Or one day one of them might die. I shudder to think of these things-but it’s part of being human and part of growing up. It’s inevitable. And for me to try and re-invent that warm feeling I get when I think of Italy would be prolonging the inevitable.

Sure I had relationships while I was in Italy. My very best friend was right there beside me. But it wasn’t enough. I need lots of people to stay afloat. I need my parents…my brothers…my sister…my dog…friends…church friends….school friends…new friends….all the kids I love….my church…the list goes on and on and on and on. I need my life.

Here.

Of course I could escape and try to pretend like I don’t care. I could try to live the life of pure enjoyment without responsibility or feelings. But it’s just not worth it. Italy was perfect. At the time. And even though I worry a million times a day, I say awkward things 2 million times a day, I make the wrong decisions 3 million times a day, and even cry occasionally when things hurt my feelings…I still choose here. Even if it means I could lose something I love, even if it means responsibility over complete disregard for anyone other than my self. Even if it means I can’t take the overnight to Switzerland. I still choose the wonderful life I’ve got here.



It’s not quite the fairy tale that Arricia was. But life, as I’m learning more every day-is just not a fairy tale. It’s a complicated mix of happy,sad,confused,awkward and everything in between. It’s making decisions and making sacrifices. It’s crying tears of sadness and then laughing till my stomach hurts. It’s waking up early to make a difference and staying up late to celebrate. (I think I need more of the former and less of the latter.)It is wanting to kill someone one minute and kiss them the next. It’s confusing. So confusing. And complicated. But at least it feels real.

And so when I see the Trevi fountain or other famous Italian spots in movies my heart does skip a few beats -remembering that time when times were carefree, but then I think of everything good that is here. Scratch that, I think of everything great that is here.

And there’s just no place I’d rather be.


**E,I'm sad I didn't have any of our pictures on the computer?!**