under construction

In my 1st grade classroom last year I had many students on many,many different levels.
There were many times I was so excited to see when all my hard prep work payed off and a student really 'clicked' with what I was trying to teach. And then there was the frustration. The frustration of them not getting it. Or not even seeming to care. And when you are a teacher, you can't act frustrated. You have to be poker faced most of the time. You have to keep on smiling and keep right on working. I was talking with some teacher friends about this not too long ago and one of them was so very kind to point out a very obvious truth. Just because I don't see the benefit of after school tutoring right away-doesn't mean it isn't gonna help somewhere down the road. The strategies I was teaching that seemed to fall by the wayside-well they may just come back to these students in 2nd grade when a lightbulb flashes on. Or it may be 3rd. Or 9th. Or college. Point is, I just may not get to see the results immediately.

But, I want to see them right now. I want to know that I was the teacher who made the difference. I want to be the ONE!!! Wait Mary...be patient and be selfless. It doesn't always work that way. Blah to that! A lot of times it's many teachers investing lots of time to make students get to where they were going. But when I look at it like my friend was telling me to, well that makes me feel better. Maybe the reading strategy I taught will help out next year. Or the next. Or whenever. Maybe it won't-but I hope it will. I hope that I was a small piece of that puzzle.

And then there are students like my little D. Students that you get to see bloom. Now I don't know that I can take full responsibility. Actually I do know-and I know that I can't. I think part of it was about maturity and part of it was about a more stable family situation. But I also think part of it(maybe a small part of it) was about me. I took to him even though he was the hellion in class(of course I did :)). I gave him time, attention, and a lot of help. I found things he was interested in to read-which...GASP...made him WANT to read. I talked to him about his family, about his bike...about...whatever. I just showed interest. Which is something I don't think a lot of people had taken the time to do with him. And in a normal class, I wouldn't have been able to do that-but this year, in the class, with this situation, I think he's a big reason why I was there. he was my little success story. I saw him jump 22 reading levels in 12 weeks. Who knows where he'll go in the future( I pray,pray, pray for him frequently!) but I know that he was someone who I was lucky to know,lucky to teach, and it was a gift that I got to see his little transformation. But like I said earlier, there were 21 other kids in that class. I hope I made some kind of impression, even if it was tiny, on every one of them. But I might never know. I might never see it. All I know is that I can hope.

Hope is a good thing.

But why do I tell you all of this?

Well, because I was thinking about D today for one. And for 2, I think this same little lesson is so applicable to life.

So often in life I want to see things work out the way I want them to work out. RIGHT NOW. I want to be the one that helped someone become someone better. I want to be the one that someone is willing to change their whole lives for. I want to be the one. Or I want someone(specific someones) to be that for me. I want to see the future play out right NOW!! I want, I want, I want.

ugh. even reading 'I want' that many times makes me feel sick. truly it does.

But I do.

Can't help it.

But when I look at it from this perspective then I see it differently.

It's amazing what a change in perspective can do. :)

Just like so many people,so many experiences, so many minutes shape every little piece of who I am and what I like and what I don't like,what I want, and what I never want. And, I might be little pieces of someone elses 'shaping. I certainly hope I am. And I hope I'm shaping for the better.

Sure, I want to be the one where it all comes together, or I want someone to be my one where it all comes together. I want to see it happen now. in my time.

But that's just not the way this life works. And you certainly can't force it. You can just take what you have right now and make the very best of it. as the song says 'you take the little that you know and you do the best you can...and you leave the rest to the quiet faith of man"

patience is ever so difficult. not knowing is even more difficult. so some of the things I think i'm starting to learn are that it takes a lot of patience and a lot of faith. a lot of compromise and a lot of forgiveness to make every relationship work day to day. this is much easier to write than it is to live. but I will try.

i think i can. i think i can.

i think i can. i think i can.