experiencing contentment

experiencing contentment. this is never something I have EVER struggled with. I am a happy girl. and happy girls are content. and I am. most of the time. but lately,it's been very hard for me. lots of things going on or not going on have put me in a place where I find it harder and harder to experience contentment.

situations shouldn't affect contentment. i get that. I know that. now,someone tell it to me again. but they do. and lately all i've done is worry. worry about my family. about my friends. about a job. about my al gal! about what life is going to dole out to people I love at any given time. and when you start worrying about one thing it's so very easy to just start worrying about all things. and this is a hard boat to be in folks. it means worrying while I should be sleeping,while I should be working,while I should be walking, or while I should be present in any given situation in life. and naturally, since I'm not used to this kind of thing-I don't know what to do. should I go home? or should I put on my big girl panties and deal? I think there is a time for both.

going home is very easy. my parents love me,would do anything for me and remind me of this on a nearly daily basis. home is comfortable,pretty much predictable and my favorite place to be. even when things are hard, they are less hard at home. and so yes,going home seems a great option. but what about 10 years down the road, when I hit this rock again? running home when you're 27 is easy, but 36-not so much. and so I'm staying here and learning to live my life and love my life through this short funk. and it's good. it's good for me. it's great to be honest about the way I feel and figure out exactly who's around when the sun isn't so bright in my little life. and as I write that I realize it's not true. the sun is bright-i'm blocking my own view of it. but back to the who's around thing. i'm amazed. really. about the people that shine through when I don't feel the shine myself. and when I look at life this way, it looks good. it looks very good. people come out of the woodwork of my life and just are present. for whatever I need. and I've been mighty needy here lately. i spent so much of my life wondering where I would go in life, that it's easy to forget that I am where I was going. this is it. I have lots of friends. I have lots of good,good friends. not just to laugh with,eat with or cry with-but friends to just 'be' with. be whatever. and i've been all over the spectrum lately. I mean all over! I have a family life that,when I step back and look at it outside of my own lenses, is actually a dream. I love them more than anything in the world. anything. which is what is causing me all this worry-but they are beyond worth it. Yes,I've become someone who must talk to my mom everyday-one of those people I never thought I'd be-but what's so wrong with it. I'm not ashamed. my mom is the most amazing woman I have ever and probably will ever know. Why would I not soak up every opportunity to hear her wisdom or tell her exactly what's going on in my life. And my dad. My dad is the most amazing man I've ever and probably will ever know. Another friend was telling me the other day that his(my dads) love for me and my brothers seemed almost mythical-which I thought was strange at first, but the more I roll that around in my head-I get it. My dad is there always. Always offering up anything he can to make our lives better. That's not something you find frequently. And my brothers. How I love my brothers. I would say that I don't go more than 30 minutes without mentioning my brothers in any given day. So my life is dreamy. Really dreamy. And I think it takes times like these to realize it. To figure out that 'this too shall pass' but those people,those people are here for me before 'this' came,while 'this' is here and after 'this' passes. Which is what makes this 'this' seem okay. Seem bearable. I don't have to go home to know these people love me. I've known that for as long as I've known anything. I've got people right here that step right into family roles. I must admit though that these people can't fry bacon quite like my mom or cook a burger quite like my dad-but you get it. They are people Who take care of me in whatever way I need. Which is exactly what my mom and dad would do if I landed back on Dexter. So I felt like I needed to write this down so that I can read it as a reminder to myself. My life is good and so blessed. So the funk will go away. And someday it will come back. But life is good. very good. and it's short. too short to be worrying all the time. so I think I won't worry anymore. I mean,I know i'll worry-but I think I'll not let myself get so worked up in it that it begins to rule my life. Here's to trying...