growing up...

I love the idea of a "big gesture" or a "shofar blowing." Just something big to represent the fact that something is changing or something is happening...

I think because I like books like this so much and because I like movies like this so much(i'm still waiting on the "big gesture" in my life), I expect this to happen in my life. Waiting on the 'big change' when I would just be a 'grown up' and have it all figured out.

When I graduated from high school-I expected that day to be a day when the world would be clear. I thought I would feel,I don't know, pulled together. I didn't. When I moved to Auburn I felt sure that would be it. People become who they are in college. I certainly didn't feel I changed much at all(except for the 50 pounds of Laredos that was now tucked around various parts of my body). I remember the day I moved away from Auburn. I was driving home thinking I should be feeling like I had a clue-but no matter how hard I tried to convince myself otherwise, I was clueless. If I didn't feel it when I graduated from college-when was I gonna feel it?

When I moved to Dallas of course. Yea, I thought-this is it. Wide open spaces and all that. I am a big girl now...yea...NO- i felt the same(actually way worse-but that is another story for a rainy day.)

So then, after a brief stint in Chicago, I was back in Memphis. I didn't expect to feel anything different there. I was back home-living with my parents again. It was comfy and I loved it-but this is not where change happens.

Now, I'm in Austin. I think I finally feel different. And to me-it's positive. The way I view life and various situations is just...different. I finally feel-not the way I always envisioned I would feel one day, but I see the beginnings of clarity. If that makes sense.

I initially thought that this sprang from the fact that here I was-finally in the city that I loved and so my life was ready to really begin. I suddenly viewed life as being something bigger than what I could manipulate around and make what I wanted. I finally feel a little bit "together". But, upon further review, Austin isn't what has changed me. I think-scratch that...I know that I've been changing a little bit every day for quite a while now. My shofar kind of been blowing for years. Not the loud sound it made in the olden days, or the big bang the people in these books hear and feel when their life changes...it's just been,well...quiet.

So quiet that until I took the time to realize it was happening-I never realized.

Every moment up until this point has changed me. Every friend I've made, conversation I've had, or heartbreak I've endured has been part of this puzzle. The Chick Fil A breakfasts in Foy are part of it. The college road trips all over the Southern and sometimes Midwest part of the country are part of it. Stupid mistakes, Fights with my mom, and margarita nights with E are part of it. Wednesday night dinners are part of it. Playing with kiddos is part of it(a BIG part of it!). My daily walks are part of it. Grad school and student teaching are part of it. Church is part of it. Long nights at the windjammer and Petes are part of it. Auburn football is part of it. Briarcrest is part of it.

Get the point. I never stopped to realize that all along every little thing I did, or heard,or ate, or whatever was changing me into the person I'm still a long way from becoming. I may never hear a big shofar blow(this is probably best-it usually has to blow to remind people to get back into gear bigtime), but I finally get that every day I grow up a little. Become a bit braver. Get a little more self control. Learn from mistakes. And just...change(hopefully for the better!).

And this became all the more apparent to me just recently

Not too long ago, my best friend from college came to visit.

Now Erin and I have a most unlikely friendship. Two different girls with two very different upbringings.

But we met our freshman year of college,bonded over our mutual love of food,movies,olympics and fashion and I honestly say that college would have been worthless without her. Worthless I tell ya. Regardless of our differences, we were meant to be best friends. And so...we were inseperable for the next four years.

Then as these things go, she took a job in Wisconsin and after much confusion...I landed in Austin. But, we stay in close touch(for the most part!).

We were talking about college just this weekend and about how just IMMATURE we were in those days. I mean we didn't deal with real life things. Sure, we stayed up late(rather I kept her up late talking). But it was nothing important. Nothing worth worrying over or crying over.

But the thing that sticks out to me most about our old college days was the laughter. And... oh, could we laugh. And laugh forever. It's that kind of friendship where we could just look at each other and crack up about something that happened 2 years and 6 days ago. But we knew what the other one was thinking and that was the end of our controlled behavior.

And we kind of only laughed in those days. Life wasn't real life yet. There wasn't much to be 'not laughing' about.

But lately...particularly for her...life has been hard. A little less laughter and a few more tears. And this makes me very sad.

So when she came to visit me, I knew that she had every right to be sad. She wasn't though.

I mean sure...we had real conversations about real things such as where in the world are our lives going and all the things that come with that. It wasn't all rainbows and butterflies but what ever is?

I could tell that she had a lot on her mind and I was just happy to share what little advice I could.

We had long,serious(for the most part) talks that lasted until the wee hours of the morning and then started again only a couple of hours later.

And this is how I knew we had grown up. She's grown up and so have I. It happened while we weren't even looking.

Sure we still fall into that 'silent shoulder shaking' laugh more often than not. Especially at crucial points of these 'deep conversations.' I mean... we can LAUGH. I guarantee that we laugh more than most.

But also, we deal. We give each other advice. Advice that comes from experience. Which would mean that we have a little life experience. We have a long way to go, but we're well on our way to figuring it out. day by day.

Which is what I guess this whole 'growing up' thing is about.

Day by day.

No loud shofar. No big sign.

just a little here and a little there.

for as long as we're here.